Rules and Regulations

Deciding that one of the easy things I could address in my marriage was the lack of consistent sex, I set about trying to figure out how to do that.  My first step was to take stock of my feelings.  What was blocking me from wanting to have sex whenever my husband wanted to?

First, of course, are my health issues.  Some days I just feel terrible.  Who wants to have sex when they feel awful?  I know I don't.  When I wake up, sore, achey, and fluish, the last thing I want to do is get all sexy-like with my husband.  This, unfortunately is not something I can work my way around all that well, so let's move on.

Second, his high expectations.  We really do have an amazing erotic connection when we do have sex.  Both of us are pretty comfortable with sex and go at it with gusto when we're in the mood.  Scott's grown to expect the same level of oomph all of the time.  He'll try and try and try to get me there, often passing the point of comfort for me.  You have to give him an A for effort.  But, it's this pressure to perform that often stands in the way of me giving in to his desires.  I know that he expects me to grunt and moan and writhe with pleasure, when sometimes I just don't feel it.  So, I say no...

Third, my libido really is abysmally low.  I just haven't been interested in sex.  It actually seems kinda yucky when I'm not aroused.  I don't even masturbate, that's how I know that it's much more than a relationship issue.

Finally, he usually wants to have actual intercourse, because of the same mis-guided notion that causes him to try and try to make me climax.  I told you he was a natural feminist.  He really wants to give me as much pleasure as he gets.  I love that about him...in theory.  But, sometimes I'd just be happy to give him a hand or blow job.  When I'm not in the mood, I still want him to be happy.

All of this leads to trouble.  Basically, he wants to have mind blowing sex.  That's wonderful, except that my libido isn't a match for his right now.  He gets frustrated if I can't emotionally/erotically perform at my best.  And since I have little in the way of a libido, all of this pressure has made me back away from most sexual contact with him.

So, how could I change that?  I had an idea that evolved from some of the articles on "Taken in Hand".  I sat and thought about all of the reasons that I refuse him, and tried to set up a system that would remove or at least alleviate most of them.  Then I wrote up a list of guidelines, that went something like this:

Sex on Demand Guidelines:

On the front of the fridge I will hang a card with one of three colors on it.  Whichever card card is on top of the pile will indicate to you which mood I am in.

red=stop

yellow=caution

green=go

The red card will usually mean that I'm unable to engage in sex for health reasons.

I will try to have the green card up as much as I feel comfortable with.

I may change the card at any time based on my health/emotional status.

Unless we are someplace private, the "game" doesn't apply outside of the house

If it is a yellow card day, you are entitled to:

-Fondle/Manhandle me

-Demand a hand job (blow job substitutions are at my discretion)

If it is a green card day, you are also entitled to:

-Have your way with me whenever you want to

-Use toys

To take part in this you must:

-Be aware that I might only be marginally interested and am doing this because I think you're nifty keen and want to feel like I've made you happy

-Not try to make me cum unless I ask you to

-Use lube (so be prepared)

-Give me lots of hugs and smooches

Essentially, I tried to create a system giving him almost free access to me on days when I feel okay, and removing the need for me to try to perform when I feel I can't.  I wanted to remove as many obstacles as possible, but still retain some control.

How does "Taken in Hand" factor into this?  Many of the male led relationships written about on that site are sex on demand relationships.  The women need to be ready for sex at any time.  I kept reading about how that just becomes the norm.  The women stop self-checking to see if they are interested, which is something I do and usually results in a "No."  Now, unrestricted sex on demand wouldn't work for me at all because when my illnesses are flaring up everything hurts and I'm totally miserable.  But, a modified version allowing me to have days off...that might work.

I figured that it couldn't hurt to try.  As long as he wasn't expecting me to turn into a quivering mass of horny womanflesh, then I could do my best to give him satisfaction.  I spent a lot of time thinking about the guidelines and eventually presented them to him.

They received a very warm reception :).

And next time...the repercussions...