I wrote last time about the sudden plunge of my sex drive. Thankfully, that was over about 3 days later. At least now I know it's not psychological (which I was starting to fear after the massive boost to my libido over the last month or so). However, the boy has been super stressed and not very interested. How's that for a change of pace? We did have one middle of the night quickie, but other than that, it's been a quiet week.
The best thing about this week? We've been talking. No, not boring, droning, stupefying, marriage conversations. Hot, heavy, erotic, sex conversations. We've always had trouble with that before. He doesn't like talking about sex in an abstract way and that's the only way I can talk about it. At heart, we're both kind of Victorian.
It all started with our first "yellow card" encounter. He took advantage of me in the kitchen and during the festivities, he really smacked my bum. He's done that a bit over the course of our relationship, but he was really into it this time. It made me start thinking (oh no, not again).
I've told you that I feel that I've been emasculating him in some of our daily interactions. It's such a part of our culture (and my upbringing), that I'm not usually aware that I'm doing it until afterward, if at all. I don't want to be a part of taking his power away. I want him to be happy, whole, and godly in his manhood. I don't want to ever make him feel like less of a man.
I know that I can't take anything from him that he doesn't allow me to. But, I also know that he's been conditioned to think certain things about himself and the world. He was told repeatedly that he was a screw up, a miscreant, a bad seed. It's really easy for me to unintentionally reinforce that. So, while I know that I can't take away his power if he doesn't let me, I also know that he doesn't have the tools to block the messages he's heard his entire life. When I make him feel like he did when he was a child or a teen, I send him right back to that place of powerlessness. And that's the last thing I want to do. I'd much rather help him rebuild himself than take part in pulling him down. I love him.
You're wondering what this has to do with our tryst? It's simple. I started thinking about this stuff and, after our afternoon delight, a light bulb went on in my head. What if, every time I did something disrespectful/emasculating, I gave him the right to spank me? I thought that maybe it would bring the times that I acted inappropriately toward him to my attention, and also give him back some of the power that he feels has been taken from him. Also…I was 99% sure that spanking really did it for him :).
It was a crazy idea, but I figured I'd run it by him. If it wasn't something he was interested in, I'd happily put the idea away. Spanking is something I can take or leave, it's not that exciting to me.
So, I brought it up. I told him my thoughts about how I thought some of our interactions were affecting him. I told him that it was unintentional, but still inexcusable. I talked to him about my idea of spanking as "punishment". And I waited to see what he thought. It didn't take long. He didn't even have to tell me. I could see it on his face…and in his pants.
"Helloooo, Mr. Penis. And thank you for the salute."
So far we have not done anything with it. Things have been pretty good. But, it's had an effect. For some reason, this really seems to have broken through our sex conversation barrier. We've truly begun talking about our sexuality.
I've been able to tell him most of what I'm discovering about myself, albeit with a blush, a sideways glance, and a hand covering my mouth. He's also been able to share some of what he likes as well. It's going slow, but steady. I think our marriage really has a good chance now. The most surprising and exciting thing to come to light over the last couple of weeks? It turns out that my very sweet, feminist, mildly repressed husband has turned out to have a burgeoning dominant streak. Well, well, well…
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