A kid in a candy store

I've been doing a lot of reading.  And we've been doing a tiny bit of playing.  Exploring all of this stuff is really a bit like wandering around in a candy store.  You try (or, in reality, think about trying) various bits and pieces of candy and some you like, and some you don't.  I'm learning as much about myself from the things I don't like, as from the things I do.  It's hard to sort it all out.

I really do like the power aspect of all of this.  I suspect that there are lots of reasons for that.  I know that I really like it when Scott acts manly and assertive.  That really gets my motor running.  I also like the inherent expiation for my own desire.  That's one I've always known was interesting, even if I wasn't aware of it.  My fantasies have always gone a bit in the "bodice ripper" direction.  The feelings of powerlessness are a turn-on for me.  It may sound strange, but the more assertive and powerful he gets, the more feminine and sexual I feel.

I've realize that, at heart, I will always be virginal.  I love sex.  I think I'm good at it.  But, I'm good at it precisely because of my innocent, but curious attitudes about it.  I really do think of sex as something incredibly emotionally intimate, not all people do.  When I have sex, all of my walls come down.  I have such an endorphin rush during sex that I actually break into laughter after orgasm.  I don't mean embarrassed giggles, either.  I mean throaty, body shaking, intense laughing.  I just feel so…free.

I've also been known to cry after orgasm in times if horrible stress.  My ego truly just disappears.  I become in touch with myself in ways that I cannot be in regular life.  I was raised to be stoic, and to take whatever abuse other people had to offer.  I was never allowed to show emotions at either end of the extreme.  If I did, I was either being ridiculous or an overly sensitive cry-baby.  The result being that it's perfectly okay for me, as an adult, to cry for someone else, or to be ecstatically happy for them, but not for myself.  All of that goes away when I cum.  I just am.  Whatever is…is.  And whatever is…just comes out.

I think that's part of the reason that I really like it when Scott's forceful.  It's not about taking responsibility away from me, it's more about giving me permission to feel.  And, of course, it's hot…

There are some things about playing with power that I don't like.  I don't like to feel like a vessel.  I ultimately want the exerted power to be about both of us and our dynamic.  I absolutely hate it when I feel (or imagine feeling) like I'm the method for getting off, as opposed to the reason.  For instance, I have no problem with Scott being super turned on by me, or just generally being horny, and demanding a hand or blow job.  In fact, that turns me on.  But, I really wouldn't like it if he got turned on by porn and did the same.  I have no problem with porn.  In fact, in the first scenario, I'd be perfectly comfortable with him turning on porn while I was going down on him.  I don't like to feel like I'm just a receptacle.  I suppose this means that while I'm a bit submissive, I'm not slave material.  To me, that feels humiliating and...

I really don't like humiliation.  I don't like to be embarrassed for someone else's pleasure.  I was humiliated enough as a child, thank you very much.  Feeling humiliated is enough to snap me right out of the place of abandon I go to.  The minute I feel humiliated, I stop being aroused and want to get away.  It truly is more than a turn off.  It's an intimacy ender for me.

Surrendering control is a nurturing thing for me.  I want to take care of my husband.  I want him to blossom into the sexually assertive man that I know he is.  I want to help him to feel powerful and virile.  Everything I do (or allow him to do) comes  out of love and reciprocity.  In return, I want to feel cared for and lusted after.  I want him to push my boundaries and help me to explore my own desires and internal make-up.  I don't ever want to feel like my gifts are incidental, like any warm body could take my place.  

Until I started exploring all of this stuff, I had no idea just how many non-sexual things from my childhood had a bearing on how I approach sex.  I've realized that I like to feel physically powerless, to surrender control, and to some degree, to serve, but I in no way like to feel emotionally powerless.  That brings me back too closely to the helpless child I used to be. 

I'm learning so much.  My blog title becomes more true everyday.