I began looking everywhere for help. I googled everything I could think of that might have some bearing on our relationship. Eventually I came across a site that, while not for me in its entirety, definitely made me think. It kept surfacing in my thoughts, and I realized that my sub-consious was trying to tell me something. There was something there that I needed to explore.
It's a site called "Taken in Hand", and it's about male led relationships.
Now, I need to be abundantly clear. I really don't believe that a male led relationship is for me, and I really believe it's not for Scott either. But, I've grown enough that I'm not going to rule it out completely, because I've made some surprising discoveries about myself since I first read that site. But, the idea turns me off and makes me a little angry. Many of the articles are written from the point of view that men are superior, and I really just don't believe that.
I'm a very competent woman. I have an IQ in excess of 140, have pretty decent kinesthetic abilities, am a great cook, understand a lot of complex processes, and have a great facility with languages and the process oriented sciences. There is no one on earth who can tell me convincingly that I can't keep up with most men. So, I really don't buy the idea that men are superior.
What I do buy, however, is the idea that many of us are biologically wired to behave in a certain way within the context of a male/female relationship. When I realized that I agreed with this, it came as a complete shock to me. There were many small pieces of evidence that eventually caused me to accept this hypothesis.
I have to interject at this time that the relationships that were modeled for me as a child were not, in any way, balanced in power. I grew up with a very, very domineering mother and grandmother. They very much wore the pants in their relationships. I watched my grandfather and step-father get henpicked every day and it had an effect on me. I never ever wanted to do that to my partner. I wanted everything to be equitable and fair.
That's how I've tried to approach my relationship with Scott. I know that some of the behaviors that I saw growing up have edged their way into our relationship, but by and large we've managed to keep things equal. The behaviors are less about intent and more about habit. Let me explain. I may sometimes come across as domineering when I don't mean to because the words I choose to use are the same ones my mother would use, or my grandmother. I repeat them out of habit, not meaning. Catch my drift? Generally, I think we've done well so far in that regard. Or, at least, I thought we had.
Now would also be a good time to tell you that I believe both my grandmother and mother to have personality disorders. Neither is healthy in the least. After many years of therapy, I am confident that I've escaped the worst of their issues and am relatively healthy (my therapist was confidant too). My mother has odd and inappropriate boundaries and when she isn't totally cold to me, she tells me things she probably shouldn't. Last summer, she told me that her husband was such a wuss that she didn't find him attractive anymore.
Despite the fact that this this gave me the willies, it stuck with me. I think I finally know why.
When I started reading all of this "male-led relationship" stuff, I tried to take from it what I could. The more I read, the more I realized that the main problem is that modern relationships make men feel emasculated. I'm not talking about equality here. I'm talking about the Homer Simpson-ization of all men. We have this idea that all men are bumbling fools who couldn't get by without their very clever wives. You see it all the time on television. It's what is reinforced for us day after day. Home Improvement. Everybody Loves Raymond. Family Guy. The Simpsons. I could go on. We all know it when we see it.
And the thing that really got me was: I WAS DOING THAT! I know that Scott is a bit child-like, he hurts himself a lot, he can never find anything, and he depends on me too much. But, I didn't need to treat him that way; rolling my eyes and saying his name with exasperation. Unbeknownst to me, I was being incredibly rude and disrespectful. I've been doing serious psychological damage to him for many years and wasn't even aware of it. I was also, more than likely, propping up the very behavior that I find frustrating. The more I treated him like a dumb child, the more he rebelled and acted like one. What a Lose Lose situation.
And here comes the kicker. The less he acted like a man, the less I wanted him sexually. The less I wanted him sexually, the more petulant he became. Wow, how much does that suck? We'd been stuck in a vicious cycle headed toward marital oblivion and I wasn't even aware of it.
When the light bulb went on, I decided to do something about it. The easiest thing to do was to do my absolute best to rectify our low sex marriage.
And that's where I'll stop...
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