In January of this year, I had a life altering visit to the doctor, as a condition that I've had since I was a teen suddenly progressed into a much more serious issue. I've had many health trials over the years, leading me to go to extreme lengths to attempt to take care of myself. Despite this, by my mid thirties, I'd managed to pick up no less than 4 moderate to serious chronic illnesses, which I've weathered with a stiff upper lip (my scottish grandparents would be proud). This last one, though, was just too much for me. I had a little breakdown.
Unfortunately, my wee breakdown coincided with Scott's untimely mid-life crisis (we've been a fun couple, oh yes we have). All of the petty grievances, minor annoyances, well nurtured grudges, and day to day marriage disasters came to a head. We were fighting almost every day, and our relationship became strained and unhappy. He felt trapped and miserable, stuck in a job he no longer likes because I need health insurance and can't work. I felt abandoned and betrayed, because at the time when I needed him most, all he could think of was himself.
To be abundantly clear, our marriage had been disintegrating for some time. I'd completely lost my libido (mostly due to those pesky illnesses I mentioned) about 6 years into our marriage, leading to infrequent encounters. This, of course, caused a lot of friction. When you're used to having sex 4-5 times a week, having sex once or twice a month doesn't cut it. There were times when we would go 1-2 months without getting busy. He was not a happy boy.
And I was frustrated with him because he'd stopped being gentle with me. He'd begun snapping at and being short with me a lot of the time. I felt stymied in my pursuit of emotional intimacy because every time I'd go in for a cuddle, he'd go in for a grope. I couldn't deal with the pressure and pulled away.
Of course, there were many other issues, but these are the big ones. Neither of us was really happy. But, I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we really do love each other. He's my favorite person. I still want to spend the rest of my life with him and I think he feels the same.
That's why it was so surprising to both of us when one of our fights led one of us to bring up the D word.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E find out what it means to me...
I sat on the porch afterward, feeling frail and broken, and realized that I couldn't keep living this way. I was worried about my emotional health, sure. But it was my physical health, which was taking a massive hit with every nasty word between us, that really concerned me. I thought a lot about what had gone wrong. I thought a lot about what I wanted. I thought a lot about who was at fault (of course I did, who doesn't).
And I came to realize a number of truly surprising things. I realized that I really do want to spend the rest of my life with my husband. I realized that I was willing to do whatever I could to fix whatever had gone wrong. And therefore, it mattered not even a teensy bit who was at fault. It only mattered that we stop placing blame and start taking responsibility.
But, I still didn't know what to do, so I turned to a steadfast friend for advice. I turned to Google.
No comments:
Post a Comment